Eminem, who’s alter ego is Slim Shady, is going to have to come up with a new name, because National Enquirer has published pictures of the rapper looking “quite plump” (read: a completely pale fat ass). Usually I wouldn’t run something from such a shitty magazine, but the proof is in the picture, and its pretty safe to say obese is not a good look for the rapper at all. The magazine says his binge eating at Taco Bell and Outback, spurred by stress and depression, has caused him to balloon up to over 200 lbs.

And Jenny Craig must be trying to reach male demographics age 13-25 because they have offered to take on the chubtastic rapper, and designed a weight loss plan for him:

After rumors swirled last week about Eminem ballooning to over 200 lbs. in the midst of some recent health problems, a spokesperson for the Slim-Fast company talked to UK gossip magazine OK! about ways that Marshall can become Slim Shady again. “Slim-Fast is a program that can really work for someone like Eminem; it’s a doable and flexible approach,” the spokesperson said. “Slim-Fast would love to offer Eminem product and assistance to help him become a potential S-F success story.” They even went so far as to design a specific plan for Em that could result in a loss of 1-2 lbs. per week:

Breakfast: Slim·Fast Optima Cappuccino Delight shake; plus a banana

Snack: Slim·Fast Optima Blueberry Muffin Bar and an apple or pear

Lunch: Combine a Slim·Fast Optima French Vanilla shake with ½ roast beef sandwich + piece of fruit

Snack: ¼ cup of hummus with 1 cup baby carrots and 2 sticks of low-fat string cheese

Dinner: Garden salad with fat-free dressing; barbequed chicken with veggies and wild rice; strawberries with 1/2 cup fat-free frozen yogurt

Snack: Mini bag of popcorn

Drinks: 8+ glasses of calorie free beverages, preferably water

And that totally sounds like the worst diet ever. Honestly, I would rather be a fat bitch than go on this lame diet. And nothing works better than getting your flabby ass up and getting on a treadmill. My diet plan for Eminem would be simple:

1. Fly to Miami

2. Jog to your home back in Michigan

3. Buy new clothes that aren’t sweat pants

See, it’s that easy!!! And if any of you bitch nuggets want a customized workout plan, just ask, because obviously I am the shit at this.

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